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05 June 09Today was spent running some errands. I got some things done, and also had time to do a cardio workout in the gym in my building. I was talking to a friend, who told me about a friend of his who lost a bunch of weight. She had to have surgery to remove the excess skin that was on her body. Then I started to think about my own body. I've heard of people having cosmetic surgery, but is this something on my horizon? I noticed that I ate more today than I usually do. I was feeling lonely. I was angry because of the way I felt I was being treated at a local store. I thought the woman was condescending. I know that I am supposed to find other ways to handle these feelings, today was just a day where I chose differently. I've been having headaches, which has been hard for me, especially when I try to fall asleep. It's hard when I get into that lonely space, because it seems like I'll be lonely forever. Anyway, I hope that you are having a nice visit with your family in Florida. 6 Jun 2009 Today was not a good day food wise. I chose to have two hamburgers at In-n-Out with my cousin. I know that it was not the best choice, but I ended up going over to see him at the last minute and did not pack a snack. By the time we got there I was starving. What with feeling not so great the day before and feeling nervous about an event I am going to this evening I tried to "white-knuckle" it at the burger joint, but I failed. I came home after being in the East Bay for most of the afternoon and had a TJ's popcorn. I know that there will be blips on this road. I am sorry that I disappointed you. I want to figure out what is eating me right now. I hope when I get home from this event I can do some writing. I know it has to do with feeling lonely and scared, and figuring out new ways of handling those feelings without food. I have to let go and move forward, but I feel stuck at the moment. 07 Jun 09 Today I got up early and went out to enjoy the beautiful day. I am doing OK, but still feeling bad about my recent food choices. This morning I was able to have my usual breakfast, but I thought I could get home and have lunch on my own before going to Israel in the Gardens. But I never did get home, and I ended up going out with a friend to a Vietnamese restaurant and then went over to my cousin's friend’s home where they cooked a pretty nice dinner. There is nothing worse than still carrying shame around when it’s time to learn, let go and move forward. I feel like I need to re-tune where I am at right now. I did a bit of writing about what my triggers are, and know that I need to continue expressing those feelings on paper and sharing them with you as well as with my therapist. I am on the right path, I just think that I took a wrong turn. I hope that you are having a nice time in Florida, and I'm looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday. 10 Jun 2009 Thanks for a good meeting today. I am feeling OK. Still dealing with the headaches, and will call my doctor in the morning about my meds. I ended up having coffee with some friends of mine in the afternoon. Then I came home and went to the gym in the building and did some cardio. I got a copy of the pictures that Billy sent. My word, I've changed a bit, huh? I posted on my Facebook profile that I've lost 80 pounds. I've got a lot of support, and I am grateful for that. I just have to remember that it's there for me. I'm working out with Billy in the morning. I hope that the rest of your week goes well. I am grateful for your love and support. 11 Jun 09: I did something today that I thought I could never do. When I arrived at the gym for my session with Billy, I did my normal stretches. When I was done, Billy said to get my things, we were going on a field trip. I thought to myself, "OK, where are we going?" So we get into Billy's SUV and head downtown. We pull into the garage at the Four Seasons, and I'm thinking that we're going to Sports Club LA. No, we walked out of the parking garage and across the street from my apartment building when I realize where we were going: I was going to do the stairs in my building, all 84 flights. We dropped off my stuff at my apartment, and we started up the stairs. All 84 flights! It took about 20 minutes or so. I took breaks, had my water and for  the last 6 stories I did double stairs. When we finished, I took Billy up to the rooftop to show him the Sky Club. It's a very cool spot, with cabanas and tables, and an unbelievable view! Then we had iced tea at my place and then I walked Billy back over to SportsClub LA, where Billy gave me a tour. That place is enormous, and quiet,(no music playing). The rest of the day went pretty well. Food was OK. 12 Jun 09: I started the day at 7:30AM with some breakfast. My friend Andrew and I went to Soup Freaks for lunch. I had the soup and turkey sandwich. We then came back over to my place for hot tea and conversation. For the past couple of days I've been taking naps in the afternoon. I took one yesterday and today. I then had a snack before doing some cardio in the gym in my building. I wanted to make sure to burn at least 300 calories. (which I did) I had a POH meal and a salad for dinner. I'm going to a benefit with my cousin tomorrow. I'll tell you all about it then. 13 Jun 2009 I just had a very upsetting experience with my cousin at this very high brow event. Basically I thought most of the people there were white snobby Episcopalians. My cousin thought I painted the whole lot with a big brush. When my cousin informed me that he paid $50 for my ticket and that he, my cousin, was getting upset, I told him that I was getting mad and I left. I took the bus right to Safeway where I bought some 30% off steaks weighting .87 pounds. I ate those and also bought a box of Entenmans donuts. I have not eaten them yet. I called people that are on my call list but everyone is out for the evening or not answering the phone. I thought of calling you but that was not part of our agreement and did not want to disturb your weekend with my drama. I'm still angry about it. And the only way I can think of to calming myself is 8 donuts. I have listened to my cousin and have been there for him, but when I have some issue come up he thinks I'm crazy. Not sure what I am going to do with the donuts.

Author: Kevin Johnson, Commit to fit Winner 2009

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