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13 May 09Thanks for a great meeting today. I had a busy day after seeing you. I went to the gym to do my cardio, then I went to an AA meeting with some friends. I need some help still with what to order going out to eat, since I think I'm doing the right thing but then my emotions can take over and I think that I can eat whatever I want. I guess I could do that again, but I want to stay on the path. I think I'm getting a cold, so I am feeling a bit congested.

Tomorrow I am going to the movies with a friend, and I know that we'll be going out to eat after wards. So I am planning to take a snack with me to the gym so that I will have something safe to eat before the movie and I will not feel so hungry and want some crap sold at the theater. I know that this is a learning curve for me, and I have to remind myself that food is no longer a reward. I asked Billy about the pictures he took of me when I started with him. He has the pictures. I can ask him to forward the pictures to you, if you'd like. Could you send me the photos you took of me today? I would like to put them up on my Facebook profile. I might be emailing you again tomorrow. I feel like I might need some extra support then. 14 May 09 I had a good workout with Billy today. I went to go see "The Soloist" with a friend this evening. I recommend it highly. It was amazing to see Jamie Foxx in the title role. I'm dreading the upcoming heat wave. I would rather it be cold than hot. I'm still feeling a bit lonely. Not sure what else I can do for myself in that department. All I can do is keep working on myself, I guess. I wish that I could finally relax and not make any expectations of myself. It's hard sometimes when it feels like I'm all alone and that there's no guarantee after I'm done with my work that I'll still be alone. I wish that I knew if I'd be alone for the rest of my life and that way I wouldn't be disappointed. Just some thoughts... 15 May 09 I am up late tonight. I was about to get into bed when I realized that I'd almost forgotten to write about today. Last night I was with a friend who was troubled. She cries on my shoulder, and what ends up happening is that I take on all of her troubles. So I ended up spending most of the morning and early afternoon not feeling that great. I had gotten dressed to get to the gym, but I kept procrastinating. I finally texted Billy, and asked if I could come in late and told him how I was feeling. He suggested that I put on my Heart Monitor and go for a walk. He suggested about a 200 calorie walk. I went out and walked from my house via the local Whole Foods and the local SF Public Library Branch library to the Bay Bridge ending at the bow and arrow. Total calories=380. 18 May 09 This morning I had a dream. I have started to dream again in my sleep. That may not sound like a big deal, however I am no longer using the CPAP machine, and I guess I've been sleeping deeply because before I started on this journey with you I was not sleeping very well. I went to my workout with Billy and he kicked my butt. I then came home and fixed lunch, and then went to see my therapist. It went very well. We spoke about the issues that came up for me when I was at the Glas Kat on Sunday night. I still think of myself as unattractive, and I'm slowly working to change that. I compare myself to others, and think I have nothing to give to another person. It's a challenge right now, and I hope to overcome it. I did not go to bridge tonight as my partner was not feeling well. The lessons start up again at the end of June. I saw my doctor today. He was very impressed (along with the nurse Marilyn) with my weight change. I am going to try taking less of my back pain medication again. (I had already gone done 1 dose per day, now I'm going to try for taking only one dose) He told me to contact him in a couple of days to let him know. We may end up switching to a lower strength pain reliever if the one dose per day doesn't cut it. 19/20 May 09 I was checking over my sent email, and forgot to email you yesterday. So here's a quick recap of what's going on: Tuesday I worked out with Billy, he changed up our Tuesday workouts. It was pretty intense. I came home and was hungrier than normal. I ate a lot, stayed within my calorie intake. But I wanted to eat more, but I stopped myself. For Wednesday, I got up so that Billy could see the gym in my building. The building manager has given me a free membership, which includes the use of the pool on the 6th floor! So Billy came by, and he told me to think about doing some cardio in the pool, (now I need some aqua shoes so that I won't tear up the soles of my feet on the pool bottom) After resting for a bit, I went back down and did about 45 minutes of cardio on the stationery bike and the arc trainer. I then went to an AA meeting at 6PM, and then came home. I've still be hungry, and ate within the guidelines you set for me. I'm doing OK, and I'm taking it a minute at a time.

Author: Kevin Johnson, Commit to Fit Winner 2009

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