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Today is Monday and this last weekend was the first few days of the new eating plan. It was a total disaster! I'm supposed to eat 1800 calories a day and I didn't come close to that either day. I was out most of the weekend and didn't expect to be. I didn't bring enough food with me. I ended up so hungry all weekend and didn't do the number of small meals I was supposed to do. I've been told that the balance between Calories In and Out is fairly delicate and that eating less than the 1800 calories per day could really screw up what we're trying to do. I have been stressing all weekend long that I'm screwing this up! Two days in and I'm already screwing this up.

I didn't do much better today. Most of my protein has been from cheese because I haven't been able to cook the chicken that I usually cook to have over the week. So the cheese is bumping up the calories and I can't get close to the number of proteins and carbs and such without going over the calorie limit today. So, again today, I'm doing it wrong.

I don't know what to do. Rhonda, my girlfriend, keeps telling me to calm down. Easier said than done.

Week 4 Part 2

Today is Thursday. I saw Manuel on Tuesday. We talked about the weekend and he told me that I hadn't screwed up as badly as I thought. He told me that I needed to get some "backup" meat; things like canned tuna to have around the house so that I'm not out of the things I need. That was helpful. We talked about snacks that I can carry so that I'm not starving if I get caught out longer than I expect.

He asked me if I wanted to get weighed even though it had only been a few days. I said sure. He said that I had lost a little over 6 pounds. I said that I wasn't sure that was correct. I remembered having worn a pair of trousers that were much heavier for the first weigh in. He looked at me as if I had lost my mind. I said I thought I may have only lost about 4 pounds, but that was a good start. He said that the scale said 6 and that was what he was going to tell MIke I'd lost. He also told me that I needed to calm down, stop being so stressed about it all.

Later, at home I really freaked out about it all. I had no idea what was going on but I was really upset. Rhonda said I could cry on her shoulder if I wanted and I took her up on it. She had no idea what she was getting herself into with that and neither did I. I just let loose. I cried like someone had died. I couldn't control myself. Rhonda was a bit shocked and again I got the now infamous, "You really need to calm down!"

Wednesday I finally figured out what was happening. When I recognized that I had been crying like someone had died I realized that I actually was grieving. I was mourning for all the years I'd tried to lose weight but couldn't, for all the times I felt humiliated and was yelled at (yes, yelled at for being fat). I was grieving for letting myself down for years and putting my health at such risk.

And I was scared that I would screw it up or just not be able to do it or it wouldn't work for whatever reasons. And I felt like I have all these people counting on me. I have Mike, Billy and Manuel who chose me over however many people to do this, I have Rhonda who wants me to be healthy, I have my mother/sister/brother who want me to get healthy.

I put so much pressure on myself that I had no chance of living up to it.

I hope that this realization makes calming down easier.

Author: Kelley Clements, 2010 Commit to Fit Winner

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